Communications/Relationships: The Art of Speaking and Listening

As firefighters one of the most import aspects of any major incidences are the “critiques” performed by the department after they had an incident.  I am positive that if you have been in the fire service for some time, you know how the procedure goes.  The incident commander speaks about what went right, what errors there were and what improvements could be built upon.  The next person, usually the first in officer speaks, and so on, until everyone who played a role has had a chance to tell what his or her views were of the incident.

With a high degree of accuracy, I believe one of the most critiqued parts of any incident, is the discussion of communications.  It is human nature to experience difficulties in communicating with each other, either on a major incident or one on one.  The art of speaking and listening and the ability to “hear”, takes practice and willpower.  Practice comes from conversations with family, friends or coworkers.  The willpower comes from within yourself in the form of paying attention and not “tuning out” as the person is speaking to you.

It is common knowledge that the fire service suffers from one of the highest divorce rates of any career.  Many facets play a role for these divorces, such as shift schedule, hours away from home, the danger factor and at times our lack of expressing our emotions as firefighters can get in the way.  I believe one of the greatest reasons is the lack of communications between spouses, partners, and the firefighters children.  So how do we, as firefighters, take control of this situation?  You hold your own family critique!

Many times during arguments with a loved one we say some awful things to try and hurt the other person.  In arguments one may be constantly trying to “one up” the other one.   In reality there are no winners and it becomes a lose-lose situation.  If you feel like you are being verbally attacked, express yourself in a certain manner that does not reflect aggression.  If your spouse or partner is shouting at you don’t try to out yell them.  Try this as an example; “I understand you are upset, so can we discuss our point of views and see if we can solve this issue”.  This will go a lot further towards retaining your relationships, plus building on them than screaming to get each other’s points across. 

In the aftermath of an argument is the best time to hold a critique.  What was said, how did it hurt you, what did we learn, and what can we avoid in the future are all things that can result from holding this conversation.  The extra bonus of this lesson, is the example you give to your children or others around you about the art of conversation.  Remember, we don’t always have to agree about things but we should be able to agree that open communications solves more issues then arguing.